Diaries
It' been one month 26 days since i left Istanbul, I needed huge time and put myself together first to write this last diary ( i wish it is not! ). As arrived here, i feel everything is totally different and i realized that hey I am back Home again but my heart felt empty. I go back to my activities, trying to settle down again, but it is hard as i didn't do in 3 months. Things were going crazy, I didn't get Visa to visit my Fiancee in Germany n it broke my heart so much, but i gotta move on. So, plan was changed that we would marry earlier than what we planned before and many things that stressed me up here n i have to handle by myself mostly. I miss my fellows, i miss turkish air, and all the single things. Every time i told Sven this i always cry n wanna go back to turkey.
Now I want to Thank again to all of you, Mr. Bobby Dekeyser, D&F Family and my fellows wherever you are. I owed a lot for this treasure you've given to me, the things i never ever imagined i would ever do, or only was in my dream. Thank You to All my turkish family, for the sweet memories, OYA, FARUK, SELMA, CEM, all my dance teachers...HUGE heart and LOVE to you All. and Mustafa Erdogan, I am sorry if i was not that good dancer and student, but I truly adore and honor you. Thank You for all the inspirations you all brought to me, and let me grew better. Though I have my own life here but the memory is living n dancing in my heart forever.
I still remember at the end of Oya's academy, she played us a song from "chicago" called " you're the inspiration" and tears fell from my eyes so fast, she really know how to touched our heart. Ohh Oya ... untill now that song is stuck in my heart and mind swinging all the time and it is tooo hard for me to not cry. I am missing all of my 2 brothers and 10 sisters...i want they all with me till the end of time.. i miss my roommate Shubhangi who is totally different from me but I love her so much..Lulu or Lucas who tried to copy me when i said " iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" , Maulvi who always dissapeared, Meagan who talks so fast n good in ballet, hannah "the sexy therapist", kashturi camel, Daniela who called me "Ayuyitaa..." , Teija who is very calm, Yasmin the Flamenco queen who has bright heart n always told me about kangoroo and koala in Australia, Sureyya the spider girl, Aura who talks sooooo much hahaha..., and Abbyyyyyyyy my next "muse" for MrsB..
Guys, You are all part of me now.. i have a poem fro E.E Cunnings that really reflects my feeling about all of you . Maybe I couldn't do so cmuh things for u but my love is true and will last forever. Whenever u need me, whenever u call, i am here for you...
Here is the poem for all of you,
I CARRY YOU HEART
I carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life..which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart..
----------********-----------
Now, i have big smile on my face as i put this "emotional report" on the website. I want all of you to know how you mean to me and how i miss you here. I pray all the best things for all of you and may your dreams come true...
LOVE,
AYU ( LALA...)
In case you’re wondering, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. I have, however, been busy in a dream world since I last wrote.
I had to wake up from that dream a few weeks ago. That’s why I have been putting off writing this entry. In my spare time, I have been too busy…well, sort of.
I have been repeatedly going over my favourite photos, laughing at inside jokes about the Fellow’s animal kingdom, obsessively creeping on Facebook profiles, and putting dents in my mother’s floors from stomping out the Buyuk Halay.
When I write this, it’s officially over. This is the final chapter, or at least the beginning of a new book.
Those final weeks of the fellowship were filled with every activity and emotion possible. Dance rehearsals and fatigue. Academy workshops and enlightenment. Movie-making and laughter. Surprise TV performances and adrenaline. Hugging and heartbreak.
On our last night, we made the most of those last few moments. The fellows only slept about 10 hours over three days, but we threw caution to the wind. Why not stay up all night laughing, playing guitar, and signing each other’s t-shirts? I was tempted to be a total grandma and go to bed, but Shubhangi talked me out of it. I’m so glad she did because it was a night to remember.
Then came the goodbyes. Nobody likes those. Each of us got the send off only my crazy fellows could pull off: complete with Maulvi’s guitar playing and Lucas’s high pitched shouting. We probably woke up the entire hotel. Oh well. The Lion deserved it am I right Fellows?
The trek home was long and emotionally arduous. In Chicago, I decided to pop my Fire of Anatolia DVD into my laptop. Bad idea. I recognized all the dancer’s faces and realized I didn’t know when I’d see them again. I looked at photos of the Fellows. I already missed them all so much it physically HURT. Cue uncontrollable sobbing at Gate 44.
I will admit it was nice to walk through the familiar red front door of my parent’s house. There’s always some comfort in that. My mother happily listened to countless stories over the Christmas holidays, much to my Turkish delight.
However, I had the worst reverse culture shock I have had so far in my travels. My adrenaline came crashing down. I didn’t have rehearsal. There was no one to laugh at our inside jokes. The simplest things would remind me of what I was missing. A feather would remind me of Lucas. Someone spat and I thought of Dani. I hacked pleghm and I pictured Hannah. A wide belt put me into tears as I thought of Abi. Why isn’t everyone here?
To make matters worse, people kept asking me that dreaded question: ‘How was your trip?’ I realize this is a fair question to ask, but it still frustrates me for some reason. It’s not like a lounged under a palm tree for three months. IT WAS A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE! Asking that question makes me feel like people don’t get it. I know that’s an assumption, but when you’re having trouble re-adjusting it’s an uncontrollable response.
Thankfully, I had my chance to really explain how I felt to everyone around me. It’s one of the parks working for a TV show. I hoped at least a few viewers were wondering where I had been. I did two segments sharing, photos, videos and stories. I suddenly felt a lot better about life after Turkey and that people were beginning to understand how much this has changed my life.
A few of my friends and colleagues have remarked that I seem more confident. I guess maybe it’s coming across that way because I’m done being so afraid. I’m not afraid to be myself. I’m not afraid to go against the grain. I’m not afraid to follow my dreams.
So yes, this dream is over. Now another can begin. Whatever it is, it will be everyone I met in Turkey that helped make it a reality. I owe you everything.
Hello everyone!!! I am back in Mendoza, Argentina.
I miss all of my fellows friends, Dekeyser and Friends foundation and Fire of Anatolia!!!
Here in Argentina is summer and it feels great to be back, all of my family is really happy and proud for the amazing experience i have had over the last three months. I am really missing Turkey so much, everyday I think of everyone i have met in the last three months and brings me memories to share with everyone over here and makes me happy. Telling everyone this amazing experience that absolutely change my life in three months its more than amazing.
i am focusing on my dreamplan right now. I want to start with it as soon as posible so that i can help people get inspire as well. Like i said before it is an amazing feeling to do what you love in life and feeling inspired its kind of hard to put it in words, that is why i want to express it by dancing all of my life!!! I am also waiting to see if Fire Of Anatolia is going to call me to go back and be part of it, i really do wish they do, I love the company so much and i have learned so many things and i am ready to learn so many more. I feel that i havent dance for ages and when i see the calendar only a couple of weeks have passed since we all were in Turkey.
For all the fellows I love you all and never forget that you have a friend here that you can count with at anytime. It was so nice i got to meet you all and thank you for inspire me everyday!
Dekeyser Staff thank you so much for all of your hard work, for being there and thank you so much for letting people dream. I love you all!!!
Fire of Anatolia people I love you all and i wish i get to see you all very soon!!! Thank you for teaching us great moves and friendship!!!
Bobby thank you for everything, thank you for being yourself, thank you for letting me dream and that other people get to know my dream, thank you for letting me wake up so that I can actually follow my dream!!! Thank you!!!
And like meagan said once "Don't cry because its over, Smile because it Happened?!"
Its not over, nothing is over if you don't want it to be!!! SMILE.
( It makes me happpy to make people smile!)
I am going to keep going and Folliwing my dreams.
Thank you all!!! For letting me being LUCAS, I love you all!!!
With all my heart.
Lucas Villegas
Wow, I’ve been sooo busy since being back home; Christmas celebrations, Boxing Day at the beach, getting everything back in order, catching up on much needed sleep. Paul and I have dived right back into writing music for my CARMEN show. We’ve got about 20mins worth of music for the 50min show done in the past week! With that and organising publicity for the show, I hardly have time to do anything else.
It’s been so hot, I’ve put off starting choreographing and rehearsing the dances, so as not to be out in the 40 degree heat. Today I ventured out onto my wooden practise floor and had a bit of a stomp. I have a flamenco gig this Saturday and the next and then a showcase performance of CARMEN excerpts at the end of the month, so I really have to start building up the strength in my thighs again for all that flamenco footwork. It doesn’t take long for the muscle memory to kick in but the strength and stamina seem to take a while.
The calender’s starting to fill up with gigs and we’re having a few people contact us to play at different events and radio stations already in the new year. Figuring out my dreamplan has been really motivating and I’ve come back really pumped and optimistic about the year ahead.
Paul and I have been discussing the Orsino Nation album, which we’ll start work on after CARMEN and ScorcherFest (an Adelaide music festival we’re playing the week after the last CARMEN show!) We’ve decided to get our tracks mastered by someone who’s going to cost a bit of money (but whose work we really love), so we’re going to release an EP in September now instead of an entire album (mastering fees are per track). The EP will be a great tool for approaching festivals to book us and a way to get some of our songs out there for our fans. And recording five tracks is a bit more manageable than twenty-one. That means new artwork! Oooo, I’m so excited! I’ve also started making these hand-embroidered lil’ Orsino pets to sell at shows. I think they’re very cute.
Well, I’m still aiming for my dream of making a living from my art. I currently have zero dollars, but I’m working hard at it.
Much love,
Yas
Dear Hannah,
I just landed back to my messy, adorable room a few days ago, and a chaotic life that I call my own. Falling asleep on strangers shoulders while commuting, catching up with friends, yelling and crying for no good reason, and of course, good old spicy food.
When I find the time to write, I don’t have the energy. And when I have the energy, I’m actually sitting at a doctors waiting room or my office desk, busy avoiding the obvious.
So I must firstly thankyou for pushing me out of the lull and getting me to pen down my thoughts. I read your diary last night, ‘daring to dream’ and I’m so proud of you!
Probably only you and I remember the question I asked you after your dreamplan presentation, which was “where is your dream in your dreamplan?” You gave me some bizarre response about how your read ‘The 4 hour work week’ and it inspired you to, ‘looking london, talking tokyo’. That’s how we refer to cock-eyed people in Mumbai slang. Your honest dreamplan pretty much was learning to dance, hopefully at ‘Fire of Anatolia’, and becoming a beautiful dancer.
I get what you’re saying. Massage therapy, nannying aren’t monsters per say, but to pursue that would be lying to yourself. It’s not evil, it’s just dishonest. It’s great that the revelations finally got through your thick American skull. You think of things as some sort of a commodity, including your aspirations, and that there is a price we must pay for it. Of course we must pay a price, but that can’t be the focus. That’s why I call you a wild horse. Hardy, independent, stubborn.
I’m sure you will still have to find ways of sustaining your dream, but your crutches can’t become your dream. When you began the fellowship, you spoke about socially relevant theatre, somewhere down the line in the ‘Passion’ session, you spoke to looking beautiful when you danced. But in the end you spoke of massage therapy products.
I’m glad it wasn’t the end. And you have all your fellows, D&F, FoA to support you. I know that once your mind is made up, very little can pull you away from your goal.
Buyuk hug!
Shubhangi
I've done two things in the past couple of days that I kept thinking, "Man, I want to share this with Dekeyser & Friends!" Today I realized I still had yet to write my last (dun dun DUN!) D&F diary entry, and I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to do so.
For New Years, I took a friend's advice and decided not to make a typical resolution, but to "create an intent to thrive". I wrote out a list of things that energize me and a list of things that drain me. On my list of 'drainers' was 'Nannying' (God help me if any of the families I work for end up reading this blog).
Today - go figure - I spent nine hours with two (really awesome; don't get me wrong) kiddos. It was indeed nice to see them after three months away in Turkey, but by hour 8 I was feeling pretty drained. With one of them down for a nap and the other happily coloring away in front of Barney, I took out my pad of paper and started writing again.
"Write what you want," the article the night before had said. "It creates accountability." Okay...
I want to fill my life with performance and creation. I want to stop doing work I dread just for the money. I want to always be surrounded by people. I want to do something at work! I want to use my brain at work. I want to feel knowledgeable. I want to make a difference!
I highlighted a couple of the words: PEOPLE, DO, and BRAIN, which I then changed to THINK. I also went back and looked at the words 'creation' and 'performance', and refined these words into their essences: more 'thinking', 'doing, and 'people'.
So, there I had it. If I'm trying to live with purpose in 2010, I've got to find something that allows me to do these things - be with people, actively create, engage my brain and make a difference - while at work. I'm pretty sure this rules out my long time fall back jobs of nannying, housekeeping and massage therapy. While all of these things have something about them that really energizes me, they're also big drainers.
From this list I wrote a new list:
1. Teaching - adults
2. Producing, Directing, Coordinating the arts
I took notes from all of our speakers while we were in Turkey. Bobby Dekeyser told us the only way to share our energy is to create it for ourselves. Florian (the CEO of D&F) asked us to think of what kind of practical thing we could do that would make us happy in life.
The things I've spent the past three and a half years doing aren't what make me happy. Yesterday I re-formatted my D&F dreamplan specifically for Fire of Anatolia, and sent them a proposal to work with them teaching massage therapy. Tonight I deleted my nannying resume. One of these things I probably wouldn't have had the courage to do without D&F and the other never would have come about with the foundation. Thank you, Bobby & Co. for daring me to dream.
After more than a week that I have arrive home, I couldn't write any diary entry, Florian told us that we can have the chance to write one more, but in these past days here in Lima I just haven't have the time, or the right moment to write it. I think that it is just an excuse because I know that when I am done with this diary entry it will be the last one, "the last one" and just thinking about every last thing make me so sad! Just the last night in istanbul at night just a few minutes before I left was great, we all together, singing,making fun, huging each other and just knowing that we are all together made this feeling and this experience so real. I have been thinking what to write in this "last diary entry" to say thanks to all the people who make it happen, to talk about the experience or a specific event, but I can't express in words how was all the 3 months for me, I dont have words to say how wonderfull and magic it was, howcome in 3 months you can find a family, a true family, true friendships and memories that are gonna be in my heart forever. So in this last post here just wanna say again thanks, thanks for your looks, your smile, your laughs, your jumps, your tears, your sweat, your voice, your looks, your energy, thanks for just being you
Keep following your dreams, and believe that it will become real! Get inspired and inspire the world. I love you so much! and miss you lots!!
xxxxx
con mucho amor,
Dani
exactly 3 months ago I was flying to Istanbul...on my birthday...the best gift I ever received...THANKS AGAIN BOBBY!
----------
This is the last diary about the project...the first since I came home...HOME...I'm not sure that this is still my home...after all, home can be anyplace where you feel good, safe and loved...and my home in the last 3 months was somewhere else...
There's no point in saying that I miss everything...the fellows, the dancers, the dance teachers or other workers at Fire of Anatolia, the D&F Team or the film crew...or the food or the air or noises from Istanbul...or the costumes or the music...EVERYTHING! even the rude staff from Lion Hotel...
Istanbul dance project was for me the best period that I'd lived until now...those 3 months were so full!!! full of things to do, full of feelings (some of them new to me), full of things to learn...if I say AMAZING or GREAT or EXTRAORDINARY is far too less...there's no word that can express the best...
Except the feelings that came when I had my dream of dancing with Fire of Anatolia came true, in my soul was, and as a matter of facts still is, lot of LOVE...love for dance that makes my heart beat in drums rhythm, love for people that share the same passion or the same dream or the same energy or the same thoughts...and even love for a dancer, too bad that I didn't had the chance to fulfill it because of "interruptions" caused by a person that I simply name "tears provider" because I cried a lot because of her...
yes, there were LOTS of tears falling from my eyes, and no, it's not a special treatment that I use for keeping my skin fresh...there were tears of weakness; I hate myself for not being good & strong enough to dance and to work more...tears of frustration...tears of unhappiness when I saw that the man that I began to fall in love with wasn't paying attention to me no more because of somebody else...tears when I realized that the project will end and with it also the dream...
anyway, there were also tears of happiness and joy...for example when I first saw Mr MUSTAFA ERDOGAN or when I met the dancers or when I was up there on the stage in front of all those people...
there were also many many smiles (that made me popular for being a very happy girl that is never sad)...there were also many many stories, true or made up, "just for fun"...and yes..it was lot of fun!!! fun and funny moments...
if there were no common computers, or more common computers there wouldn't have been the small fights we had...but we got over them so doesn't matter after all...
so, time to end because I can't see the keyboard anymore because of the tears...
THANK YOU! Thank you D&F, FoA & of course, thank you FELLOWS!...
and FELLOWS don't forget to take lot of care of the pieces from my heart that each of you has...
It is hard to describe my feelings in words right now, there are so much emotions inside, so much memories, and it feels like a deep deep hole in my chest not to be with you anymore. During the day , I have eight people and one fat cat around me to divert my thoughts. I really appreciate it to be with my family again, but nothing can replace the family, who traveled with me throught Belgium, Abu Dhabi, Istanbul and Antalya. The family with whom I shared a big fat virus over two countries. If I am sitting in the bus there is no one, who is humming the music of Fire of Anatolia, no one, who is singing"turn aroooound", no one, who is talking about "too bad" and no "iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih", there is just silence, that kills me. I even can not do the harkushta through the streets or just dance without people staring at me like I´m crazy... I am addicted to the fotos and videos on Facebook, on my laptop and on D&F. I never felt something like this for people with whom I travelled around until now. Dekeyser and Friends did such a good job to choose the right 13 fellows for this project. I am so happy that I became one fellow and I know, that I would have missed so much magic,experience,fun,life,creativity,teamwork, knowlwdge and love in my life if I didn´t klick the application button four months ago. This special part of my life with all the fellows, all the coordiantors, all the dancers and all the members of this project will always be in my heart. I Give you all a big fat Kiss and a Hug. I love you mmmmmmmmmmmmmwaaaaaaaah ;o) Süreyya
Last night, for the first time since the fellows have been in Turkey, snow fell on Istanbul. Wet and heavy, tiny white flakes danced from the darkness and onto the cobblestones.
There are certain things in life that cannot be planned. Certain moments of wonder that only happen because they take us by surprise. These moments we call “Inspiration.”
81 days ago, in 14 different countries, 14 single persons clicked 14 computer mice and became inspired. Bobby Dekeyser and his team planned a fellowship filled with dance and travel and even dreams. But it was impossible for them to plan a German girl’s connection with her Turkish roots. It was impossible for them to plan a Finnish girl’s quest for herself and it was impossible for them to plan the look on an Indonesian’s face as he sees his first snowfall.
These are the moments of inspiration that we have shared here in Istanbul, a city that pulses with sporadic drumbeats. In every dark corner there lives the sound of exaltation. From every window can be heard the cry of passion and inside every taxi cab, a whisper of friendship.
When we have glimpsed these moments that Istanbul has offered us, we have been surprised by true inspiration. In 48 hours we will take this inspiration from Istanbul and launch it into the rest of the world. It will fly as far as we dare throw it, and dance from the darkness and onto the cobblestones.
- 1 of 13
- ››